


lost time

by fvllenpeople



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Baby Jack Kline, Depressed Dean Winchester, Emotionally Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Enemies to Lovers, F/M, Family, Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt Sam Winchester, M/M, POV Castiel (Supernatural), POV Dean Winchester, Protective Dean Winchester, Sappy Ending, Strangers to Lovers, Time Jump, Years Later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-14 03:35:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29536224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fvllenpeople/pseuds/fvllenpeople
Summary: In spring of the year 1946, an epic love started blooming like a white rose under a chilling night. Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak met. Two different souls, with different dreams, thoughts, memories, experiences, traumas and Iives. How these did two boys fall in love even though they are so different but at the same time so unlike.One thing is sure, they met under the spring rain, and they fell in love under the full moon. They loved each other completely and  infinitely .  A lot of bad things happened, they went through a lot and even more to be together. To live their lives together. And in the end, will they  reach their destination? Their Ithaca? Or will they get lost in the seas forever?Dean loved Cas more than the ocean, and cas loved dean more than the moon and the stars. Cas was like the ocean to Dean. Full of peace. Although some times the sea which he loved so much would become his storms that would drown him there endlessly. And Dean... Dean for Cas was like the moon, one of his side was always hidden.And in the end, all these things that happened to their lifes... Maybe it was meant to be.© ao3 2019 - 2022 |fvllenpeople - chris
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 6
Kudos: 11





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> · All the chapters are going to be pretty long (first chapter: 11,5k words. You can have breaks throughout the reading process. I mean you can read it part by part (: )  
> • Slow updates. Because school is a bitch.  
> · And a little remainder, english is not my first language<3  
> Umm, that's all for now. Enjoy my chaotic thoughts.

Forever, 

A beautiful and promising word. Unique and mysterious. It's a sorrowful fact that it is an unattainable dream. A dream unable to be accomplished. For people in love are cursed. We are cursed, my love... The cursed poets who still have hope.

When you lose someone, specifically your world — your everything, you miss them so badly to the point you would do anything so as to bring them back, be it for five minutes. At least for a moment, to take a glance of their pretty face.

When you lose your home you apparently become homeless. Lonely and void — your hopes sink in the tenebrous abyss. 

When you lose your world you are thrown into an absolute chaos and sit there alone · with agony and tears in your eyes, awaiting another Cosmogony. The Birth of All. Another start.

The World after the Chaos.

And don't be afraid. Don't... You needn't feel fear. You will manage to find a way to return home, to your Ithaca, to the love of your life. 

You will find the path leading to your own “forever” - You will find the way back home. 

It was another showery spring twilight. The youthful woman was glancing the stars out of the window of the narrow bedroom. They were countless and so enchanting... They captivated you. When she was a little girl, her father used to tell her that the stars in the sky were the souls of our loving people who were not alive anymore. That they were resting up there, looking down to us and safeguarding us.

“The stars, my love, are the angles’ homes” Said the father leaving a gentle kiss on the little girl's small forehead. She repositioned herself in her bed to be more comfortable. 

“Does this mean that uncle Dean lives there?" Her father smiled caressing her rosy cheek, a tear slipped down his own cheek as he reminisced his loved one. The child hadn't known the reason why he cried yet. She didn't know how much love her father suppressed inside about that person.

“Yes. But maybe not...Dean used to believe that the stars are the souls of the lost as well. The souls of cursed, helpless people...” The girl was staring at him without curiosity. His lips suddenly formed a mere nostalgic smile. He wasn't quite sure when was the last time he said that name out loud...How long it had been. How captivating his face was, the sound of his voice in his ears, his lips, his heartbeat, his hands on his body, he was about to forget his emerald eyes... Those eyes he loved unconditionally... He had started forgetting... and Dean was becoming what had always been for him.

A phantom. 

Besides he had said the same thing years ago. Dean was like phantoms for him. Which we should fear and stay away from. But he did the exactly opposite thing. He followed him. He loved him.

“You don't have to worry. You are too young to think about these things yet. Go to sleep now, my love.” He whispered and kissed her forehead once again and then turned off the light of her bedroom. 

She had no clue that her father was used to spending his nights whether looking at the stars with a sorrowful gaze or with a blurred view of the distant woods- they reminded him of his eyes- or staring at the road waiting for him to come back home.

Eventually she understood. She grasped how much they loved each other. She concluded that home is not just a building, constructed of bricks and concrete. It can be a person too.

She kept looking out of the window, as her father used to do during her childhood. 

“Mommy! Mommy! Tell us a bedtime story!” the little girl bigged her mother loudly. The boy seemed way more excited as he was the one who told his elder sister to ask their mother to tell them a story.

“It's too late kids. Let's leave it for another day, shall we? I have loads of work tomorrow. When I return home on a week I'll tell you a lot of stories” She had work to do indeed, she would travel to the past, to the house with the beautiful garden. She would throw a visit to the house she grew up in after so many years. 

It's certainly covered in dust, she thought. Same goes for the library, the books are covered by a sheet of dust. The pictures have now become memories, which will ultimately be forgotten. But she wanted to recall the people she still loves. 

“Pretty please mommy! Tell us a story about soulmates!” The woman looked at her offspring with curiosity. 

“Do you know what is a soulmate?” She asked and sat on the edge of the bed.

“Of course we do! Uncle Jack told us...it's-it's complicated... I don't remember much but I know that it's the person you love, you care about and you would protect at all costs. For this person, you will go to the stars and spend your whole life with them...until the end and beyond.” Her daughter said and left her in shock. 

“He told us something else too...” Her son added with a shy tone.

“What exactly?” She questioned, she knew their answer...

“That you know a story about soulmates” Said the siblings in unison.

She knew one indeed. 

A beautiful story, like a novel.

Filled with chaos. Like it was narrated to her years ago. A chaotic love story.

“I don't—”

“Pretty please!” They once again shouted in unison and looked at their mother impatiently. She smiled and wiped away a tear. 

“I'm not sure whether I should say it to you or not, I think I'm running out of time...” she stopped, she did have time, but she was afraid to remeber...

To remember them, to remember everything.

“Alright then... A story about soulmates...but it's not mine, you know...it belongs to—to someone I knew” she gave in and made them even more excited. 

“But, for your information, it's a long story. Maybe not the best but beautiful for sure... Someone I knew would describe it as a story about phantoms...of the cursed  
souls...” The children were intrigued by each and every word of hers. She glimpsed at the clock on the wall, eight o'clock. 

At that very moment she took notice of her brother leaning on the bedroom door. Without saying a thing, he approached the kids and took a seat beside them. They didn't say anything. She looked at him with tearful eyes.

She wasn't able to, but she would attempt to do it. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before she started.

“Everything began some years ago... but not that long ago... But let's look into it from the beginning, shall we? So the story took place initially in a showery Thursday in 1946...a day similar to this. Dean would come back home that day, little did he know what was ahead of him... Him and Castiel... Love at first sight which lasted until the very last...”

©wattpad 2019 - 2022  
fvllenpeople | chris


	2. already lost

“Maybe one day, years from now, we'll meet in a coffee shop, in a faraway city somewhere and we could give it another shot”

– Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind.

~

“Even if you are lost in your darkness  
or you don't want to be saved.  
I will never stop saving you.  
I will always protect you,  
for I love you. I will be willing to save  
your life with my last breath.  
And when my time of dying comes,  
I want you to be here with me because  
I will not be in pain. I will be in peace.  
And I always want you to remember that,  
we are one,

we are one, my love.”

\- 

Castiel.

I still remember the day I met Dean Winchester. I fell in love with him immediately, at first glance. I still remember his magnificent green eyes, his beautiful smooth lips. I remember how I froze when I saw him, I lost everything · and I found my everything. I didn't care anymore for the world. Since my world was him. 

Dean Winchester. My first true lover, my hidden lover, my soulmate and my last lover. 

He was my everything, and he always will be. He was my world, the reason  
to live, to keep going. And to exist.  
To breath, and he is this one reason...

And yes. I know. I know I lost him  
forever, but it's a way · a good way, to keep his memory alive. To remember him. But how can I forget the only person who made me feel really free? how can I forget him, his eyes, his lips, his hands and his heart. And I still lust like a mad man his lips. I still want him to be mine. I remember him, as I promised to him. I will remember him until my last day. 

For I love him, after all these years. I can't forget him. It's so difficult you know, how can I forget the man who made me want to feel every inch of his body on mine? 

I can't forget... 

And I don't want to. He is my anchor, my everything. After all, we will spend the afterlife together, like we are meant to be. 

We were born to fall in love, and we lived our lives to meet each other, and I'm happy that I met you, my sweet love of mine. 

We used to be two very different personalities · but my dear, the truth is we were one. We were always one. For the very first moment. And we still are one. 

Yes, and after Dean died, I still believe it. We are still one. And after I lost him, forever, he still owns my heart. As a matter of fact, Dean Winchester is my heart. But here, he is still alive. And he keeps smiling to me. He keeps kissing me and making me fall in love with him. He is still here. We are still one.

~

Dean.

It's so pure and marvelous maybe and insane simultaneously that I still care about him. I still murmur his name every morning, I still smell his scent, I still feel his arm on my chest, I can still feel both our heartbeats get mixed. Ι still feel his lips in mine. It might be silly for someone. I bet it's silly... 

I still remember the day I met Castiel Novak. My Cas. Even so for me, it was the first time I really felt alive and free. After all these years I still lust his lips. I reminisce his figure so clearly. His graceful black hair... And... Oh, my Lord.... His stunning and fascinating blue eyes locked in mine, as our souls. He was my angel...My lover, my savior from my own hell. My everything. 

Also, he used to say that, “And as the first drops of summer rain touched the ground, something really angelic happened— ” I stopped him. 

“Our love...” I said as I dropped a kiss to his  
collar bone and then to his chilly lips, he smiled as we kissed a few more times. He bites my lip as he looks at me with his special face. That awkward and stressful look.

“Yeah... Maybe... ” He said nervously. I kissed him again, oh, my Lord, I will never be bored kissing his lips. 

“Baby, you need to relax... Just let me help you forget...” I murmured; he took a deep breath as he looked at me. 

His eyes. 

His beautiful eyes... 

Eyes like the sky. 

“Yeah...Maybe... of course and this happened my fallen angel...” I said while kissing him again and again. A vicious cycle of lustful kisses that I wish will never break.

It's so tragic that our love ended so soon in this horrible and sorrowful way. I still can't get over the fact we split up. But our story, is really beautiful. Steeped in his goofiness and mine. But the way we fell down is almost poetic. 

After Cas died, after I lost my lover, I also lost myself. I lost every will to live, I lost myself because I lost him. Everyone who saw me the first time – but sometimes I'm still helpless — could tell that something tragic had happened to me, that I'd lost something... My loved one. My support, the only person I loved with my whole heart and beyond that, he was the only one who could banish my nightmares with a kiss, with a smile, with his touch, he was the only one who made me feel worthy, alive. I love him, I still love him, I still whisper the words every night every morning in the hope that I will get a response... 

“I love you”

“Forgive me”

He believed in phantoms, he believed in the afterlife, he believed there was Hell and Paradise, he believed in God... I always laughed and made foolish comments about his beliefs... so that I could see him get a little angry with me or see his cheeks turn a deep shade of red. 

Now, I believe in phantoms as well. I believe in him. I'm waiting for him. I am waiting for you, my lover. Every night, I wait to see him, I wait to see my loved one for one last goodbye, one last kiss, one last cigarette and one last dance under the night palette.

I'm waiting for you, my darling. 

I'm waiting for your hologram – come here and dance with me. Eventually, we will meet again. We're going to experience what we weren't given the chance to experience. I'll tell you what I didn't tell you. 

I was depressed, lost and lonely after he was gone. I was helpless against the world, my world died because I was weak to protect him. I lost everything in one night... I just want to kill myself because he died and I'm to blame. He sacrificed himself for my sake... And I... I just keep going, only for him. For the person who made me believe in love again, for the person I will always believe and love until my very last moment in this cruel world. 

He was my soulmate... My other half, my heart and my soul. My whole body, he was me. He was the world to me; he was my shelter... And... I used to believe we were two silly boys who fell in love, but the truth is; we were always one. 

[ you might be really confused but  
you need to read this  
book to solve the mystery  
of their love.]

~

Late March 1946

Dean Winchester.

The only two words I hear excessively the past few days. All the members of the Winchester family are excited and really anxious at the same time, personally I don't know what to feel for... You know... For him. The reason: their lost son is coming home tonight after years. They are so happy they will finally get to see him. After all these years he is finally coming back. For days now they have been trying to organize everything to welcome home Dean Winchester again. The eldest son of the family. He left his home almost four years ago... and he went to war. 

But the reason why he was coming back was awful. I just heard the story today from his fiancé. She was talking about Dean with so much love and passion, she already loved him, and she didn't even know him. Maybe this is true love. To love someone, to care about someone without even knowing who they really are. To be willing to sacrifice your life for the person you love more than anything, more than the stars and the sun. More than life. 

She loves him, she will never hurt him. 

“All happened so quickly! The bomb exploded next to him; he was trying to save the life of his friend. He said, he promised to his wife he will be back. And, oh my Lord... My love... He never broke a promise. The doctor said he wouldn't be able to walk normally again. His left leg is in a terrible condition. It is really difficult for him to walk, but...If he is willing enough and gains courage, he will manage to cure! In the end, after the war had ended, he needed some time to be alone with himself. ” Dean's fiancé is really excited about his return. But I can't blame her, if I were to meet the love of my life, I would be in the moon too. 

“Castiel! Here you are!” Sam said as he was walking to my place, I smiled to him as I put down my drink onto the table.

“I finally found you! Where have you been all day? I searched the whole farm!”

“Yes?” I asked gently and I smiled to him, he is so happy after days!

“I-I just want to tell you... Remember, don't— don't ask Dean to tell you what happened, o— okay? And... Yes, I know you already know everything but...But.... You know, he is my brother and— ”

“I know Sam. I'm so glad you are getting the chance to see your brother after all these years. You need to be happy that he is back safe and sound somehow... You need to be proud, you know, I'm proud of  
your brother. ” I said to him as he sat next to me, he smiled. 

He was worried, really worried, I could feel his anxiety and his negative thoughts. He believed that his brother was dead. His real brother, he understood Dean's decision to stay away from his family a few months more before he would come back from the war, he needed time. 

He lost a friend during the war as Mary said.

His best friend died; he was married with two children. A six-year-old boy and a three-year-old girl, Dean always talked about him and his wife in his letters. He cared about him and his family, not to mention he is one of the kids' god father. Sam said he was his best friend after he moved from here. 

If I remember correctly, his name was Benny, he died a few months before the end of the war, he died two weeks after Dean's accident...well, Dean hurt himself in an attempt to save his friend. 

He talked about the war in his letters. Sam always gave me his letters to read them, he reported only a few joyful moments with a few men he knew. John never wanted to read his letters. To be informed about whether he was fine or not. Even after the accident, he always refused to read them, even one simple word. 

He hated the fact, and I think he still does, that Dean found male friends, he wanted him to be lonely. A few months ago, when he found out from Sam about his friend Benny... He was outraged. He didn't want his son to be happy... To be okay with himself. 

“I am... But I know that the man who will walk through this door will not be my brother...He will be someone else and— ”

I stopped him. “It scares you, right?” He nodded before we heard Mary calling his name from downstairs.

'“See you later Castiel...” He said with a friendly smile, before he closed the door of the library. 

And alone again. 

Alone in this beautiful chaos. 

It's been a really long time since I found myself in this unique room. A lot of months have passed, and I have an odd feeling that something has changed, not in this room but in me. I can hardly recall the last time I was here, the memories are blurry and few, as the disappear without saying goodbye and leave me behind. Lonely. With fewer and fewer memories for me to narrate about my life, about my dull and insignificant life. Perhaps this is the only place inside this house where 

I felt at home, where I felt secure and free, where I felt like myself again, where I could read for hours and hours the dusted and forgotten books which hadn't been touched for a long time.

This confined, yet bright and graphic library knows everything about me, every minor and crucial secret. All these books know who I really am. They know the poems I hide behind these thick books which aren't approached by anyone- except for me. They sometimes know me better than my own self. I miss the feeling that overwhelmed me every time I casted my eyes onto that paper heaven-this is how I call it- I miss the sense of warmth. 

I have no clue fucking what changed... This place is scaring me, I feel like my worst nightmares are lurking there for me, awaiting the right time to pop out. This place seems unfamiliar. I no longer acknowledge this room, the excitement which used to meet me here is absent. 

My feelings vanished, they've been buried, and they keep drowning and dying slowly as my eyes take a glimpse of an unfamiliar image. Where did my haven go? Why did it vanish? It used to be so lovely a room that I fell in love with it by first sight. The feeling I received when my hand unfolded every single dusted page of the old books or that night when I happened to fall asleep on the small armchair for I had stayed up late reading a random novel from the enormous, in my own eyes, library. 

This room owns a distinct part in my broken heart.

“I finally found you!” Amelia exclaimed as she placed a kiss on my cheek. My wife. We have been married for almost a year. She is part of the family. I really care about her and I feel close to her. She means a lot to me. But... I cannot say that I'm in love with her. 

No, I'm not. My feelings towards her are not erotic, she is only a very generous and reliable friend to my eyes. I smiled to her as she sat next to me, still here. Still in this beautiful paradise full of books.

“Are you happy?” She asked, I can sense that she is really worried about me. But I don't know. I don't really know if I'm happy right now, I can't put into words my feelings right now.

“Of' course I am Amelia...” I said as I pushed back any negative emotion or thought.

“You are going to see your cousin after all these years. I'm happy for you, and you already know that, right?”

“Yes, you are right... I'm happy too. I can't wait to see him. You are going to love him!! He is really friendly and a unique human being. Also, we are planning to marry him with Lisa after the summer period. Dean said he needed some time to become familiar with her before taking such a huge step...”

The rest of the time passed so quickly that the only thing they left behind is obscure memories. Finally, the organization which had taken place the recent days came to an end. The anxiety levels are high for everyone, including me. Making new acquaintances always seemed quite stressful for me, it gave me an overwhelming sense of awkwardness and anxiety, an accurate illustration of my current feelings. 

My whole existence is jittering, cold sweat cover my forehead and I felt my mouth dry... My attempts to convince myself that everything is fine and that I am just going to meet another person proved vain. The fear has achieved to make its presence powerful and refuses to subside. 

The terror of how to introduce myself, how to behave next to the new person I was on the verge of meeting... It's not that I'm unwilling to meet him. Everything begins from the fact that I'm afraid to meet him... 

Marry approached me. “Castiel, we are going to be in the living room in case you search us... It seems like Dean won't be here anytime soon..” The tone of her voice while uttering the last words was an indicator of her disappointment and concern. My lips formed a friendly smile so as to make her feel even a bit better, but I'm uncertain of the outcome. 

She's worried about her son. I thought and averted my gaze to the empty street and then to the yard. It was so clean. Steeped in dense vegetation, flowers and trees. 

A kiosk was standing tall at the end of the yard, under which Mary told John that she was pregnant to Dean, to my knowledge. The vicious forest was visible beyond the yard, a beautiful mystery. I've never been afforded the opportunity to explore it. I have only followed a path which led me to a narrow lake. Prior to this lake lies a hill full of life, steeped in various kinds of wildflowers, butterflies and bees wandering from one corner to the other. And then you come across the exquisite mansion of the family. Covered in white, accompanied by a variety of flowers. Maybe my manner of illustrating this paradise is an understatement. 

Perhaps, I'll never be able to put in proper words this wonder of nature. Yet I swear that my soul finds peace when my eyes fall onto this image. If only I knew how to hold properly a brush to capture my memories on an easel...

I averted my eyes to the road once more, maybe it was the feeling of concern that made me do it. Dean has yet to arrive. He should have been here at least half an hour ago. The train station is not far away from here. If you wake up early in the morning and get out of the house you are likely to hear the train travelling on the railway, or even the hustle and bustle of the city which is approximately one kilometer away from here. The more the minutes are passing by, the more I'm getting accustomed to the fact that I am going to meet Dean. I can say that I even feel merely excited to meet him. I'm looking forward to getting to know his personality, learning more than I am already aware about. But, obviously, why would he like to meet me rather than his wife? What's the intriguing part in me which would urge him to get to know me?

“Don't worry, he will come, maybe something came up to him..” I said, even though I am aware of the fact that Mary left my side a few moments earlier. Perhaps I should get going as well. Besides it's getting dark I thought. Before I open the door, I let my eyes travel the whole garden. 

The sun was hiding behind the immense mountains, which were still decorated in snow, and its rays which embraced the beautiful flowers have disappeared, replaced by the soft moonlight. I looked at the sky, before it turned a mysterious, deep, blue color.

I admired the sky as I used to do when I was five years old, the same feeling. So many beautiful colors; light blue, soft pink and coral while deep inside you could distinguish an odd yet impressive color created by the mix of yellow and purple. My lips formed a smile as I took a glance of the last shade, when darkness came to substitute the natural palette of the sky.

We have been gathered in the living room for ritually two hours. Something happened, I thought. I don't know why I care for him... Maybe because everyone here care so much for him... Maybe because...

“He is not coming! Oh, my Lord! This fucking little bastard! I swear Marry I'm going to kill him” Marry tried to calm John down by telling him that maybe something happened, or it is just Dean denying following the rules. John calmed down a bit. Marry gave him a warm smile while signaling him with her gaze to drink a little water from his glass. 

The more the time passes by, the more impatient I become to see him. I'm terrified by the thought of getting to see his real side. Usually, people are totally different from how others illustrate them. We all hide a part of ourselves that we're not willing to show to the world. Maybe my real image is something terrifying. Hopefully they have the right impression of him. 

“Even so” John stated.

“There's a rain pour outside. He will not have been back by midnight” John sounded frustrated.

In all likelihood he recalled something unpleasant, judging from his facial expression.“He is going to take advantage of the storm and use it as a justification to excuse himself and stay with his friends. Oh, Lord! What have I done to deserve all of this? If he starts seeing that guy again-” Marry interrupted his load thoughts.

“I'm sure Dean understood his mistake. He said that he isn't going to do this again. He learned his lesson by sending him in the war”

“Mistake? This is an understatement! My own son fucking with a boy?”

Silence dominated the room once again. It was approximately nine o'clock and Dean should have been here at least two hours ago. 

“Mr. Winchester” I called him, but he didn't seem to bother. 

“Mr. Winchester!” I raised the tone of my voice this time. He averted his seemingly exhausted gaze to me with an expression full of confusion. I haven't talked for at least an hour; I was lost in my thoughts. I was thinking... Thinking about the boy who was supposed to come over today.

“I'm going to pick up Dean. I don't think there are any taxi cars driving around currently.” John processed my words. 

“Wonderful idea. You can borrow my car. Please be back soon with him”, John said, and he handed me his car keys. I saluted everyone while getting out of the wooden door and striding towards the small white car.

I was already soaked from head to toe. They have already informed me about the place I have to go to. It is a half-an-hour drive. Their house is one the outskirts of the city. When I reached the place, I felt my stress levels increase rapidly once again.

A few seconds later I noticed a boy with soaking wet blonde hair in an old military uniform coming out. 

This is Dean. 

It must be him. 

This definitely Dean. 

My anxiety vanished but I kept drowning in his beautiful eyes.

He is so beautiful. 

He slipped his hand through his soaking wet hair. I somehow felt really uncomfortable with his move. 

He was soak from top to bottom. When he noticed the car, he let out a mere grim. Sam informed his friends that I would come and pick up Dean. I got out of the car so to give him a hand. He was carrying his staff and it was difficult for him to hold the scratches as well. 

When he saw me difficult approach his place, his lips formed a slight smile once again. What a wonderful smile. So special and unique. He bits his bottom lip as he raised his hand to greet me.

“You must be Castiel! I finally meet you...” He said to me in a friendly tone. I reassured him.

“Yes—yes, I am... And–and you are Dean, aren't you–you?” I said timorously.

He gives a small beautiful smile as he rolled his eyes, “Of course I am!” He said with a very proud tone of his voice.

I tried to break the ice or maybe more correctly I tried to feel more comfortable.  
“Give me your stuff” I offered and moved my hand to his suitcase and a few more things... His smile was gone, I think I made him uncomfortable with...with his problem... 

But is nothing to be ashamed of. These little things make us more beautiful, more special. More ourselves. 

“No... No... Castiel it's fine believe me. I'm fine” He refused.

“No, you aren't” I said the thing I could clearly see. 

He is trying so hard to be okay, to look fine and maybe happy, but I can see the sadness on his eyes. The pain and the loss. 

“How you know if I'm alright or not? How you know if I'm capable to lift a fucking little shit. I can do this you know. I'm not completely worthless piece of shi—”

I stopped him; he was so angry. Completely lost of his mind. Great Castiel. Great. You don't even know him yet and you make him angry...So stupid...

“Please... Dean... I can't let you—I... You are wounded... I can't—Dean—I can't do this...I need to help you, no matter what you are saying” I insisted which make him roll his eyes - again - and eventually give in.

“You know...You don't need to feel sorry for me.” He said as he came closer. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Stop...

“I- I'm not feeling sorry- sorry for you...”

“Yeah, sure” He said more to himself than to me.

We walked towards the car and the short trip to the Winchester House. I was able to smell intense scent of wine and smoke coming from him. He was so drunk; I could see how lost he was on his world. His eyes were closed, and his hands wrapped around his forehead. He was exhausted. 

“Headache?” I asked him, as I moved my gaze from the road to him. 

“A terrible one. My head is going to fucking exploded...”

His eyes were red due to all the exhaustion and the alcohol. He closed his eyes again. Afterwards, he started unbuttoning the initial bottoms of his uniform. 

“You really need to rest.” I said slowly as I looked at him for a moment. He was so broken inside, and he is trying too hard to not saw how much pain he feels. He smiled nervously. 

His smile.

So, dazzling.

So unique and lovely.

“Tell me something new...” His eyes were on the road. He was so tired to talk, to do something. I could feel it. He needed rest and a few moments of peace. His gaze moved outside the window for a few more minutes. It might have been a way for him to calm down himself. And then his eyes were on me - he couldn't stop looking at me.

I didn't follow the same route as before. I choose to drive through the longer path as he wanted to have a glance of the city...Or it was me. Wanted to have a glance of him. My eyes fell on a remote café which happened to be open I didn't say anything as I was start parking the car in a spacious corner. When he realized it, he looked at me with a questionable face, before even he opened his mouth to speak, I opened the door and got out of the vehicle. And then walked to his place to open the door for him. I don't know why I did this... Why I was so different. 

I just wanted him to be safe. Even if I don't know him yet, even if I barely know him. I feel like I had to do this, not only to open only one simple door. But to be so protective. 

I opened the car door and I gave him my hand. He didn't say anything, he didn't say no or anything. He just used me to support himself before he grabbed his crutches and I helped him for one more time, but it was fine... He looked at me for sort moment and I felt my whole world turning upside down. It's really weird how much he can already affect me. And this was only the beginning, later I'm a part of him as he is a part of me. We affect each other with so many ways. Good and bad.

“Castiel...” he started saying with a soft voice. He stopped, he didn't move his eyes of me, he just started looking me more, like he was trying to understand something... Or as my mother used to say: to read my soul.

“Yes-yes?” I said as I stated acct more apprehensively. His eyes are looking at me. His beautiful eyes.

“Castiel... I understand you might care about me... But— I guess my mother told you to do so, to "protect" me... But why?” I couldn't answer. I started to panic and feel more anxious. I just want the ground to open up and swallow me.

“You don't even know me...” His eyes display to full confusion. I froze again. I couldn't speak or thought something, I felt unable to breath. His emerald green eyes affect me so fucking much. 

“It was Mary... You know her... She is overreacting... sometimes...” I lied. 

“Do I look like I need help? And you don't need to do whatever crap people tell you to do. On the contrary you don't give a fuck.” He said, he was getting angry again.

“It doesn't matter Dean. I know you or not. Oh, and it wasn't your mother's but my own initiative. Besides, I want to take care of you, it's my fucking choice. Liked or not.” I refuted his words while I am helping him walk. 

His lips formed a smile before he opened them. “Wow, easy, tiger.” I rolled my eyes before I wrapped his arm around my waist while holding his crutches with the other and so did I. I was able to sense the hotness of his body, which meant he might have had a fever.

“You need to drink something. And don't say anything. It's for your own well-being. Your mother mustn't see you in such a mess. Plus, your father is upset with you” I advised him being genuinely worried about his well-being.

“Tell me something new. My father always is upset with me...Anyway, how do I look?” He asked as he smiled at me.

“Good” I lied, and he let out a weak laugh. Oh, my Lord, he has such a beautiful and special laugh for someone I just met. 

We got inside of the café and I chose a table at the depth of the small building. Due to that time, there only a handful of people there. 

I helped Dean take a sit, he just glanced at me. “Thanks” he uttered with a silent tone barely audible to me. I sat right across him on the other side of the table, now being face to face with him and waiting for a waiter to serve us. He had rested his upper body on the table, giving me the impression, he wanted to sleep. Out of the blue, he casted an eye over me. The weariness in his beautiful face was apparent. 

“For your information...” he initiated his sentence with a raised tone, not caring about someone noticing. 

“Dean, be quite-”

“No.”

“We-”

“No. I don't care”

“But-”

“No.”

“Dean for the love of God – ”

“No, no and again no, Cas. I don't give a damn.”

“How come you're calling me Cas?” I questioned and my face formed a curious expression. 

He just smiled slightly. “So, you prefer Castiel?” His voice soothing at the beginning of his sentence but switched to childish in the last word in an attempt to imitate mine, but he fell through. 

“No, I'm ok with it.” I said calmly and grinned. He didn't see my smile and I'm dead sure about that. Had he seen it, he would've definitely commented on it.

“Of course you are honey, but even otherwise, I wouldn't care” His attitude falls of pride and he shoot a wink at me. Obviously, he doesn't care. He doesn't give a fuck about anything. I can sense it. 

“I don't feel like eating anything right now, I don't know about you.” He started and threw his upper body on the table to rest once again, but this time with slightly more force as I noticed. He accidentally hit his head on the wooden table... I let out an unintentional snigger when he complained intensely. 

“Was it that funny? Shall I do this more often?” He asked me and locked his gaze on me. 

At that very moment, I stayed still, staring at him without saying anything, without thinking that maybe he would leave comment on my action. However, he didn't seem bothered, nor said anything offending for the time being. 

I just keep looking at him. 

“Do I have something weird on my face?” He said sternly but teasingly at the same time. I just rolled my eyes and averted my gaze. 

“Your face was funny” I whispered, still not looking at him due to my shyness...He is really adorable.

“Hey. I never said it annoyed me, you know I don't bother you staring at me at all. Keep it going, I'm enjoying it, it's a satisfying feeling.” He commented in a soft and complained manner when he noticed my eyes were stuck upon the small, old menu booklet. I had never been in this restaurant before. It was my first time, unlike Dean who seemed to be pretty acquainted with that place.

“What do you mea-” I wasn't given the chance to finish my sentence. 

“No one has ever looked at me this way before...” he confessed, his eyes embracing mine. 

Oh Lord, what do I do at this point? Me and Dean? We have no hopes. We are similar to those damn soulmates who aren't able to be together for some reason... In this day and age? If Dean and I... there won't be any happily ever after. 

I tried to refrain from thinking such things and kept gazing at him silent. I have said this countless times before and I will continue saying this. His eyes. His beautiful, emerald eyes. They make me travel forests, which I desire to explore, every corner and puddle.

“Keep on glancing at me like tomorrow will never come. Go on, don't hesitate. Keep going and so will I, keep on staring at me until the sun ceases and desists casting its light on the land...”

I heard him whispering while we were looking at each other, his words sounded familiar to me...

“...Until the sun showers with its brightness only us. Until the very last second, keep going and so will I...” I continued unintentionally.

When I realized it, it was too late? He let a minor laugh slip from his lips. The way he was staring at me made fall into his chaos again and again... In this game he himself had initiated. 

“I would love to know how many hours you've spent in my library and you know about my poems which I have left there...”

I virtually fell off my chair when I heard him say that. “Th-the old diary is y-yours?”

Shit. Shit. Shit. 

I said panicky- stricken. I have spent endless hours in that library indeed, I have read that diary infinite times... I didn't even think it might have been his, it didn't have a name on it. It had absolutely nothing, it was like it didn't belong to anyone and my heart rendered it mine. 

“Chill out, Castiel, there's no problem. It was my fault for leaving my staff there. Little did I know that my cousin's husband would spend time in my place.”

“I'm sorry...”

“Don't say sorry”

“But I basically invaded your privacy—”

“Don't speak. Just... Keep on glancing at me...”

Like tomorrow will never come.

Maybe some of you think it's quite early for such thoughts, such words, such actions... But the sad truth is that life is too short for second thoughts, to doubt about the next step. Should you sense that the person standing in front of you is the one, go on. Don't be afraid, will you? Don't give up. Dare to be carried away by the chaos, dare to get lost in the mesmerizing eyes of the person. 

Dare to speak out, dare to become acquainted with the storms in their eyes, to fill up the voids of your soul. But don't you dare raise a shield to defend yourself, set your heart free.

“You know, you have really charming eyes, you should take an advanced of that, I'm sure a lot of girls would die just to look at them...” He said as he stared looking me closely. I laughed with his last compliment. And then, I just I smiled, for the first time after years I smiled with a true smile.

“Thank you, but I don't really care about girls anymore...But yours too...”

Afterwards, a middle-aged woman approached our table. “What would you like to order?” She asked kindly and I looked at Dean. He completely ignores her as he keeps glancing at me...

He completely ignored her presence as he continued to look at me, without taking his eyes off me for a moment. His soul touched mine, it was the first time I ever felt so close to him, It was the first time I felt this feeling; that moment, that look, just before he took his eyes off me, that very moment I felt the arrow of God Cupid go through my heart; fear and all these strange and new feelings had become one as I continued to look at him speechless; Cupid, why me; why me Cupid; The voice of the waitress was heard once again.

“Oh, my Lord! Yes! Of course, and yes, I'd like everything you have from drinks right now... and... and a pie with a lot of—.” he began to say eagerly as he looked at the list.

Of course, I stopped him, “A cup of chamomile please.”

As soon as I finished my announcement and the waitress left to prepare it, she'd probably be back in a few minutes, he looked at me with an angry look that didn't last long. He broke his anger with a smile, it was like he was surrendering, and he agreed. It's been half an hour since we left that place where I found him drunk, tired and in a bad state -- not that he's better now, hell he is not, I can just see that he's feeling even a little better -- and at least one since I left the Winchester's house and went to pick up Dean. I knew Mary in particular would be worried, but we're entitled to the constant rain that's been falling with momentum for hours.

The fact that, I feel like I've known him for years – since forever. 

I feel like the man that is sitting next to me doesn't know for a few minutes, that he's not a stranger. No, I don't feel that way, I feel like I've known him for a million years. I feel like I know things about him, that he's a part of my heart, I feel like he's feeling exactly the same feeling. This connection, these storms that I feel every time his eyes fall on mine. Every time I look at him, and I'll never get tired of talking about him. 

His name will be the last word that will shine from my lips before I leave – before I say goodbye to him and before I see that light that everyone says that when you die, after all, I'll see it? Will I see the light? I'll get to the other side or stay here forever as a ghost – and if I stay, I know what I'm going to do, I'll look for him, I'll look for him until I find him again. I will find you again my lost lover – because that's what soulmates do. 

Even if they lose each other they never – never stop searching, and I believe in soulmates, I believe in us. 

The lady arrived with our order and she left without and she left without saying anything, he looked at me for a moment before he took a sip of his chamomile.

“So...Castiel, tell me something about you?” I felt nervous, for one more time today, more than before. I wasn't able to respond to that I am not an interesting person. I'm still a simple person, same as the others, nothing important, maybe even unusual together. But perhaps stranger. But one thing's for sure, I'm not interesting as a person, but of course he is, I want to know everything that has to do with him. I want to know him. 

“You think I have something to tell you?”

I said as I finished my sentence with a little laugh. He seemed speechless, Ι didn't say a word, he just keeps looking at me like he was trying to convince me to talk, to say my story to him, but I didn't answer. If I had anything interesting to say, I'd say it, but I have nothing to say, maybe some other day, maybe.

“I am not that interesting...”

“I doubt” He refused my own opinion about myself, while taking another sip of his drink... “You seem really fascinating to me” His face was undeniably charming. He makes mw feel safe and sound only with the sound of his unique voice. 

He is special.

“I'm not, believe me, I'm the most boring person of the town! Sorry if I disappointed you. I am not completely ordinary and-”

“Stop your fucking bullshit. I heard different things for you.” He said as he smiled to me.

“I hope only good things...” I said as I stop this silly augment. He shook his head positively as he drank a little more of his hot chamomile, I didn't see him worried if we'd be late to come back, and that's what I did, I stopped caring, and I just enjoyed those moments.

It seems like he missed the town a lot. He missed his friends, his family, the places he used to spend his time, he wants to visit them again, relive the emotions, the memories. A slight smile formed in his lips, he probably recalled something.

“Let's go home, Cas. It's getting late.” He suggested as he took down his last sip of his tea. He put on his old coat and I supported him on my way to the car. But of course, before we left the cafeteria, I paid for his drink... 

“What time is it?” He asked me while placing the crutches besides him. I glanced at my watch.

“It's nearly eleven o'clock. Almost Friday.” I answered.

I set the engine in motion and started driving for the Winchester's house. He just nodded. The rest of our arrive was fairly quiet. He kept his eyes closed.

“Are you alright?” I asked him. As soon as he heard the sound of my voice, he opened his eyes and looked at me with a tired look. He processed my question before answering.

“I need you to be honest with me...You can't hide.” I said while I was trying to be strict, but we both left a quiet and small laugh about my last comment.

“No.” He answered with honestly. 

I saw it, in his green eyes that he was telling me the truth. ”I'm just tired with everything...And I just want only one fucking thing...You know...I just- never mind.” He stopped talking as he took a deep breath, but he never finished his sentence. 

Maybe he didn't have the courage. “I'm sorry.” I said as I turned my gaze to him with sympathy. He nodded his head in a negative manner before grinning ironically. 

“Don't be.” He uttered with a sad deep tone.

“Why?”

“Because you don't need to be.” He said loudly. 

“It feels like you do it because you pity me. The last thing I want is your forced kindness, Cas.” He seemed so cold, empty, helpless, alone.

“I know you don't need my forced kindness as you called it, but you know what? My life, my choice. I choose whether I want to be nice or not. It would be so much easier if I were a dick like you are.” I said, this time full of anger.

He is angry too. It's obvious, his face is steeped in a deep shade of red and his eyes are full of negative emotions. He closed his eyes – without answering me – for a moment, trying to bury his anger inside. When he opened them, he was finally calm.

“It's been really long since anyone seemed to care about me. I forgot how it-it feels... being important to someone.” He confessed.

He seemed scared...

“Dean you are finally home.” I said as keep my look to the road. 

“You have your mum who adores you, your brother Sam, your dad who...and your wife-”

“I don't care about her. I don't even know her. Fuck... I mean...I know you better and we just have met. She is nothing for me. And about my father? He wants to be proud of me someway he thinks this is the right way. Guess what? It's not. I'm not in love with her, and if he thinks she would make me forget who – what I am he is wrong. No way she is going to make me fucking forget.”

He seemed broken.

“I hope she loves you. Maybe she won't be able to – to help you forget— but there's a chance she will make you feel better.”

He deserved love. 

“Yeah maybe...”

We finally arrived home inside the beautiful yard. After I had parked John's car to its usual place, I was about to pick up his staff, unlike him who didn't move a muscle, his stare locked on his parent's home. Perhaps this is due to his stress after returning home after all these years, I am able to sense his anxiety, fear and impatience as well. So many emotions...

Dean keeps looking at his house and his beautiful lips are starting to form a nostalgic smile. His eyes are tearing up, his chest was going up and down constantly. His unique eyes were overflowing with feelings.

“Are you feeling better?” I asked him and turned my torso towards him. I unbuckled my seat belt and looked at him again, my gaze showing interest. 

Of course, I care about him, we are family. On the other hand, he didn't seem to mind me, I doubt he heard my question. He is so absorbed into staring at his house, the picturesque vast yard, the flowers, the kiosk...the whole scenery. After a few seconds I noticed his intense emotions were soothed, but his stress still evident.

He averted his gaze to the old barn, only few times I happened to be there. It's located a few meters away from the house... all of a sudden, he formed his pink lips into a soft smile, almost like he reminisced a pleasant memory. 

The more I lay my eyes on him, the more willingness overpowered me to get to know him.

I followed his gaze, it lied upon the small stream of potable water, fairly away from here but you're still able to distinguish slightly details which unveil the beauty of this natural paradise. Then the tree house built by Sam two summers ago. 

“He always desired to build a tree house...” he said looking at me this time. 

“I found it here when I first came... he had just built it...” I uttered, my eyes on the tree house, not many times have I been there. No one visits it anymore. Not even Sam. He has completely forgotten its existence. It lies there lonely, awaiting to be filled with warm voices and laughters. 

He stopped examining his surroundings in search of a change. I thought that he had finally decided to enter the house, they were surely waiting for us to arrive. The night grew cold, my body was shivering. The car was not warm at all inside and the fact that it was raining exacerbated the situation for me.

“Have you been married with my cousin for a year, right?” He asked me avoiding looking at me. 

He took an old lighter along with a cigarette out of his pocket. 

“John- I mean Mr. Winchester doesn't allow–”

“I don't give a damn fuck about his opinion. I stopped fucking doing so a long time ago...” He told me with a cold tone, his eyes on me, placing the cigarette between his lips. He lit it up and within a fraction of a second it started burning slowly. He threw his head back to his seat and breathed the smoke out of his mouth.

“Father wanted me to go to war... to 'discipline' me. I didn't go for him though. I did it mostly for my mother. I developed some friendships there but unfortunately most of them lost their lives. I wasn't eager to return immediately. I was dead. I rented and apartment and worked on a daily basis to make ends meet, despite my wound. It's gotten better now.” He paused and breathed in a gust of smoke once again. He had opened the car window slightly in order to throw the ashes out. He didn't ask me first, not that I would answer no to him. I wasn't able to do this, in spite of being cold. He turned his head towards me with a faint smile.

“You are cold”

I didn't answer right away, the truth was, I was really cold. It was past time, after all, strong icy air was blowing, it's not summer yet.

“Of course, I am!”I slightly raised my voice, just to break the ice. But, in reality, there was never awkwardness between us. We never felt like we're strangers. Since the first time we lay our eyes on each other, we have felt like we've known each other forever. We didn't need say much... only the things we didn't know about each other. 

Our souls were already connected. In all likelihood we were soulmates in our former lives. In this life, in this cursed life we live there are is neither hope nor happy ending in the lives of the condemned.

At least, my sweet love of mine, we are going to be lost together in a glade. You and I, forever happy. 

Together.

He smiled to me and extended his arm, pointing his cigarette to my place. “U-um no-no thank you. I don't smoke”, I declined his offer as politely as possible, our fleshes were almost touching when he pointed his cigarette to me. 

I instantly felt my body burn... my demons whispering faint words I wasn't able to grasp. I noticed a smirk formed in his lips when he saw my reaction. The effect he holds on me. He didn't say a word, like he waited for the answer to come out of my lips. He only turned his head to the front and continued inhaling that deadly smoke coming out of his cigarette while the mere light coming from the moon hidden behind the clouds fell on his mesmerizing features. He kept his eyes closed murmuring some lyrics from a song in a low tone.

That's when I understood, he didn't have any intentions to go into his house...at least not for the time being. 

“Actually—”

I'm starting to process the offer he made to me a few moments ago. I was ready to continue but I stopped for another time. I attempted to encourage myself to keep going. I have never smoked in my entire life, even though I was given quite many opportunities to do so in the past. I don't know if this is right...to share the same cigarette. 

“Yeah?” His eyes on me again, I turned my torso towards face him. He did so as well. 

“Want something?”

He continued, placing the cigarette between his lips once again.

Shit.

“I want some” I finally stated plainly. He leaned closer to me and indeed what they say is more than true.

The worst distance which two people can happen to be in is the one where they are both able to feel each other's heartbeats. It's true. This is the worst situations, in which you see incapable of doing anything, having no clue what your next move should be. You only stare into their eyes, lost, seeking the right words which have scattered on the ground. But nothing at all, you just keep getting lost in this beautiful chaos.

He was still close to me, not having moved a inch away, he took in one last inhalation of his cigarette. He locked his eyes with mine and placed the cigarette between my lips with his soft fingers. My whole body was jittering. When I inhaled the smoke for the first time it felt terrible but great simultaneously. I coughed but after a few seconds I conformed with the feeling. I breathed the smoke out, I held the cigarette and looked at him laughing.

“Not bad, considering this is the first time you smoke” He said, grabbing the cigarette from my hands and putting it between his lips again. 

“I'm sorry for making drive such a long way”

“Don't mention it” I answered immediately. What I really wanted to say deep inside is that I'd move heaven and earth for his sake... But I didn't say so. It's too early for promises and dreams.

“You really don't have to; it wasn't that much of a trouble. If you ever need help with anything I'm here again. I'll always be here.” I said in a calm voice when I saw again that he was still concerned about the same thing, maybe he felt remorse, or he was mad at himself. 

But in fact, it wasn't too much trouble to bring him back home. It was just a pleasure. I was so nervous to meet him, and of course I still am, but not as much as before. I feel calmer and more comfortable with him. It was the right choice, I think. Taking him home is a chance for me to get to know him, talk to him before he returns to his everyday life, before we take separate paths once again. I haven't asked anything about the war or his accident, I don't want to. I don't want to put him in an uncomfortable position or make him recall memories he's trying to forget or bury deep inside his brain. 

He's going to talk, so he feels ready. Besides, there's certainly a reason why he chose not to come back right away when he left, and he chose to spend a few months away from his family alone. He lost a lot. He lost not only a very good friend in the war, but also a part of himself. I know what it's like, not from personal experience though.

But I can understand that.

I know that behind this delight and smiling character he presents; he hides another image. A more different picture, wanting to stay there. He just smiled, expelling the negative thoughts he was about to say something else, but I interrupted him, I had to. I had to interrupt him even if I didn't really want to... 

What might they be thinking?

I'm sure they haven't figured out anything yet, that we've been here all this time... But I don't want to know their thoughts... Especially John's thoughts. I don't feel like he likes me fully, and I know he has his own problems with Dean... So yes, I'm afraid. 

“Let's finally go inside, shall we?” He just processed my sentence for a few seconds, looked at me for a while filled with anxiety and pressure. 

One hand was on the handle of the car while the other on his cigarette which was still burning there. He bit his lips while he looked at me. He opened the door, his first move was to throw his cigarette on the ground and step on it, and right now I just wish I hadn't said anything. Just sit in silence for even more minutes, maybe forever saying nothing, so silent in the silence of our own chaos. 

Just look at each other until past midnight or until the first light of day, until the sun comes out behind the green and huge trees of the forest or until we see the first flower of spring born in spring rain... Until we hear the sound of the waves of the wild side of the sea as they strike with force and rage on the huge rocks, and then calm again. 

Harmony again. The sea is only a few miles away from here, at the end of the forest you will just see a barren and dead land - which resurrect only in spring, with beautiful flowers, bees roaming here and there like butterflies - then if you approach the end you will see a cliff, and a lower sea. Infinite tons of salt water. 

And if you're brave enough to dive and swim a little longer, you'll find yourself on a calm and distant beach. But of course, there is the road, but the road from the forest is only for the courageous. For the few and not for the many. Acts of courage are followed only by those who dare, and they are few, and I will never be one of them.

I saw him walking with difficulty, without his crutches, supporting his body on the car. I was about to help him but my instinct told me to stop. That if I helped him, I'd make the situation worse... he was dragging his feet with absolute difficulty because of the wet ground. He seemed mad and he didn't bother to grab his crutches... This man is insane.

He suddenly stopped dead in his tracks... alone in the void. A strong freezing air started bushing against our bodies He didn't make the move to come back. Not one. He won't even turn his eyes to my place.

And I missed his gaze on me. 

He opened the back door of the vehicle and picked up a small package. I took notice of his difficulty lifting it and trying to maintain his balance. It was passed midnight already and the sky had yet to stop mourning, its cold tears touching the soil gently. Dean was soaked from head to toe.

. I was able to hear his curse words due to his stupidity of not having taken his crutches. He kept cursing and spitting words I wasn't able to fully grasp.

“Dean...you know I can help you if you let me...” His whole body was shivering while he was still in an attempt to find the right way to lift that damn package from the backseat but it was futile.

“I don't need anyone's sympathy! Let alone help...” he responded in an abrupt manner. His eyes were scarlet red, not only due to the amount of alcohol he had consumed, but of all the overwhelming emotions, entangled with one another and desperately seeking a flash of light in the chaos of his dark thoughts. I, on the contrary, rushed to offer him a helping hand. To man I had just met but it felt like I had known him forever. 

He inhaled a deep breath before averting his eyes on me. Eventually, he gave up and nodded, which I received as an acceptance of my help. I knew that deep inside he was unwilling but it couldn't be otherwise. I opened his car door and strived to help him as the rain started getting stronger. I grabbed the package and placed him on the driver's seat. My next move was to help him. Even though the thought of not helping him flashed in my mind but I'm not that kind of person.

I wrapped my arm around his firm waist and supported him while he was trying to walk. We were both wet but he was slightly more than me. 

“Thank you, Cas” he whispered gently looking at me. 

Once more, our faces were dangerously close. Our lips were virtually touching and I able to smell the cigarette, the alcohol, the odor of the rain on him. Our gazes were locked. Raindrops slipped from my face and hair on him. Our eyes didn't move an inch. Besides, he said that to me.

Don't stop staring at me. 

I didn't make a move, I was motionless— frozen, staring at his peaceful face while his eyes were examining every corner of my face. He gave me a beautiful smile that every woman in the world would kill for. He gently touched my face and my cheeks immediately turned into a deep shade of red. He lips moved closer to mine, he knew what he was doing. He knew that very well. He left a soft kiss on my jaw and moved a few inches away from me. He released another smile, his palm still resting on my cheek. 

“I knew it...”

When this phrase entered my ears, my face changed a thousand shades within seconds. He just smiled again. I moved backwards as fast as I could trying not to look upset. 

“What-what do you mean?” I tried to look as relaxed as possible but it was vain. The words slipped from my mouth without my control. 

“Nothing.”

I didn't say anything else. He took the package of the driver's seat, making space for me to sit. He didn't say anything either. He was just caressing the small box raising my curiosity about what it contained. He pushed it towards me. I was trying to erase the memory of what happened a few minutes ago between us but it was too much to handle. 

A minor smile slipped from his dry lips, his smile is distinct and unique, the sound was soft to my ears. I can feel it. I can clearly feel all the emotions buried deep inside my heart. He is unique-not only due to his smile-but due to him being himself. I don't know much about him yet but I can feel it in me. 

His soul is far more different than the others. Wounded, with lots of secrets. I wish I could know about these secrets and heal those wounds. Protect it from potential perils and threats. I have no clue why I have these thoughts about him, why I distinguished him and think he is unique, why he's been the only person in my mind for the last hours, why I'm under the impression that he is not like other people I know. I hope my thoughts are right. 

God, prove me right. Prove that he is not something different from what I think he is. Prove that he doesn't follow the mass and he's not a common type of person in today's society. What if he's like me? Cursed? Then I'm lost. I'm lost in the game of our emotions. I'm lost in him.

I'm lost and nothing can save me. 

Not even him.

That very moment you create a bond with someone, when you connect with someone to the point you acquire a strong empathy for them, feel their pain or happiness...when you form a bond that can be considered as love and something more, you get lost. Void of any hope. And why?

Because you would be eager to do anything for the sake of that particular person, for them to be safe and sound, for them to keep breathing and staring at you with their mesmerising eyes that you appreciate so much. You would even put risk getting burned from a fire or put yourself in front of them to protect them from a silver bullet.

In my eyes, Dean is like phantoms.

Like those phantoms which taught us to be afraid from an early age. All the phantoms return at night, just like he did. He came back with the moonlight and not the sunlight. All the phantoms have a tragic background, just like him. And I've been told to be afraid of the phantoms...

“Do you get lost in your thoughts frequently?” I heard his voice.

“Perhaps more frequently than I should” I responded with a very low tone, my eyes on him.

“I can feel you, you know...it's better to be there...find yourself being lost in your own thoughts rather than the real world...” I smiled when I understood that he agrees with me and didn't get annoyed that I had been ignoring him for so long.

“Do you get lost too...?”I started saying “In your thoughts?” I asked him but he didn't answer immediately.

“Yes” he stated, simply and plainly.

“There's this silence and peace which I prefer to the real world. You are free there. I guess you understand what I mean...” he said. I shared his opinion. There was no need to say something more.

“Thank you” I said as he gave me the little box.

We both knew very well that it was time to enter the house. It was late, all the lights of the house were turned off. I heard Dean laughing for no specific reason, as he turned his head to me. The annoying feeling of awkwardness returned in me once more, maybe stronger than any other moment today.

He wouldn't take his eyes off me, neither would I. He examined every feature of my face. I inhaled a deep breath before speaking. 

“Dean, I'm so sorry, I know you enjoy this silence, but we should go inside before—”

I was never given the chance to finish my sentence, as Dean crushed his lips in mine - Time started going by so slowly. The fear we both felt, the whole tangle of emotions that started being unthreaded when he pulled my weak body closer to him, created chaos. It was so passionate and unique. The moment our lips connected, it was as if the earth stopped spinning, as if time stopped going by, as if no one existing except for us.

It was only the two of us and the kiss no one could break. We didn't need oxygen, time froze. Everything froze around us. There was nothing apart from our now burning soul. Apart from the moment Dean pulled me closer to him. It was like he wouldn't be able to go on without me.

Our lips were still one, I was able to feel our heartbeats getting faster and stronger, muting every other sound and spreading to the place.

Not long after, our tongues started fighting for dominance. His fingers were tracing the skin of my face. We both had our eyes shut.

We both...

I broke the kiss and my eyes dove into his and my forehead was touching his forehead gently. He was looking at me with an anxious gaze, for some seconds I thought that he would stand up and leave or that he would do something else but I couldn't be more wrong... He smiled as I gained the courage to place my palms on his cheeks and my lips on his. It lasted for a few seconds when he moved away and left a soft kiss on my lower lip.

“How do you—”

“That's a long story.”

“I have time available.” I said aware of the fact that my words weren't true. Every minute with Dean counted, he smiled as he checked the time in his old watch. Then he moved his gaze to me, if only we could stay like this forever.

That was when I understood I was already lost.


End file.
